When people find out I have eight children, the most common question I get in response is, “How do you guys do it? How do you raise all those kids?” My most common response is usually, “we don’t do it very well.” And, that is true. Most of the time, we feel like we’re barely hanging on. A friend of mine once told me that when he was growing up, his family knew a bunch of big families. He said they would show up and they were like a rugby scrum. Sound and fury, with older kids taking care of younger ones and the mom looking like she’d just gone through the spin cycle. Dad was out working so the scrum had something to eat. I think you get the picture and it’s more or less the picture for us.

But, still, that question deserves an answer. How do we do it? How do we raise kids today? How do we try to raise them Catholic? Our big family is already, de facto, countercultural. Being Catholic feels like icing on the cake. As I’ve reflected on this, I believe I can point to four realities (not aspirations) that are part of how we approach parenting.

• Relational: We try to have a relationship with each individual kid. They are all so different. If we didn’t enter into a real relationship with each one, we wouldn’t be attentive to their need and desires, their personality flaws, and so forth. In other words, we wouldn’t know who we were forming. Admittedly, this piece is tricky. There are a lot more of them than there are me and my wife. So we feel stretched thin most of the time.
• Intentional: You can’t just “go with the flow” of the culture anymore. It’s not Christian in its vision or precepts. Consequently, a Catholic family has to be purposeful with every decision and make sure it aligns with overall goals. Inevitably, this kind of intentional living means living in an intentionally countercultural manner.
• Incarnational: Last week, I reread From Christendom to Apostolic Mission (for about the fifth time), and I have been reflecting on a few lines, from chapter 4 which focuses on establishing and strengthening practices that incarnate the Christian vision. The verb “incarnate” means “to make flesh” or “to embody.” So, certain cultural practices somehow embody the Christian vision and help someone to see it. The book argues that “Ideas that are not incarnated in the stuff of the world soon lose their hold on our minds” (p. 49). In apostolic times, “Christians will need to find ways to create a societal architecture that incarnates an increasingly counter-cultural Christian vision” (p. 49). For us, this looks like a real attempt to live liturgically. It means chanting Compline. It means saying prayers in the car when we pull out of the driveway, and grace before meals. It means a basket of Rosaries and beautiful Catholic artwork sprinkled around the house. It means icons and relics. It means making the faith tangible.
• Discernment: We’ve come to realize one-and-done decisions are a farce. Every good game plan is subject to adjustment. Catholic parenting is no different. We approach each school year, each sports season, and each week, really, as a new opportunity to discern: do these decisions align with our intention? Do these decisions help build up the relationships in our house? What is God asking us to do? What adjustments need to be made?

That’s about all I got. The whole thing is shot through with prayer and a noble attempt to love the kids well. We don’t do any of this perfectly, which is perfectly humbling. But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.