Reconciliation in the Home

Up until a few years ago, it was quite common to hear this “trialogue” in our house:

Parent: “You need to apologize to your sister.”

Guilty kid: “Sorrrrr-rrrrryyy” (while contorting the face and looking away for the chance to run as soon as possible).

Injured party: (head raises slightly from teary heap and in a nearly inaudible voice) “It's...okay…” (before dropping back into mopey heap or slinking away while considering avenues for revenge).

The bottom line: It's actually not “okay.” It’s not “okay” that someone thrice your size colored on your forehead with a Sharpie. It’s not “okay” that someone pulled out your hair because you would not immediately heed that person’s request to read the book you were reading. It’s not “okay” that your toy car was smashed to smithereens for no apparent reason. Injustice is not an “okay,” just-sweep-it-under-the-rug kind of thing. Most of us have tried that and it does not work.

Real problems need to really be dealt with, or else they fester and rot.

As a boy, I remember learning quite viscerally about the problem of rotting things. A muskrat carcass floated downstream in the backyard creek of my childhood home. It got caught on some rocks and hung out for a while. My buddies and I would check it out every day, because that’s what boys do. Usually there was some sort of dare to touch it or something. One of us eventually did stab the bloated, dead flesh, unleashing the foulest odor that has ever meandered into my nostrils. Naturally, we pulverized it with as many big rocks as we could – burying the stench under the water and not returning to the spot for several weeks. Rot that remains locked up eventually comes out, and when it does, it ain’t pretty.

The pseudo-apologies and acts of forgiveness were not working toward reconciliation in our house.

From Forgiveness to Reconciliation

Around this time, I came across some training materials from NET Ministries. NET trains and sends missionaries, usually between the ages of 18-25, all around the country to evangelize youth through dynamic retreat ministry. Because these young people are traveling around the country in close quarters, healthy team life is a must if ministry is going to be effective at all. One of their key training sessions has to do with conflict resolution (aka. reconciliation). The NET method (which is just the Bible’s method), moves from forgiveness to reconciliation. Let’s trace that movement here.

Forgiveness

We all know the most haunting line of the Our Father: “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” The degree to which we forgive, well, that’s the degree to which we’ll be forgiven by God. In Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus says, “If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you” (Mt 6:14). When Peter asks how often one must forgive, Jesus says, “Seventy-seven times” (Mt 18:22). This is a symbolic number representing a never-ending way that we ought to forgive.

This rocks most jaded people (myself included), because harboring resentment is a key ingredient. If you want healing for jadedness, you most likely need to forgive others. 

What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is basically my free decision — it cannot be forced — to see the other person as a person again. Instead of seeing the other as a non-person, the cause of my hurt, the sum of their faults, etc., I make an act of the will, a choice, to see the other first and foremost as another human person. Forgiving the other does not mean excusing or implicitly condoning the wrongful action as “okay.” Forgiving the other does not mean that the pain caused by the offense vanishes, nor does it mean one should stuff away feelings or suppress memories. Forgiveness justly acknowledges the truth by acknowledging the wrong as wrong. But, it does not stop there. Forgiveness is an act of mercy springing from the depths of one’s heart, the depths that have first been touched by God’s merciful initiative. Forgiveness means completely giving the other his or her personhood again, so to speak. In other words, forgiveness restores the possibility of a relationship where the relationship had been damaged or destroyed, and invites a path for ongoing healing, rebuilding trust, and so forth.

Forgiveness is, obviously, difficult. It’s hard because it means exposing the heart. It tears down walls of resentment; it pierces hardness of heart and opens the heart to the risk of love once again. The arduousness of forgiveness cannot be denied. I once spoke with a priest about this and he invited me to turn acts of forgiveness into a prayer. Said another way, he challenged me to invoke God’s help in forgiving others. He gave me simple words to which I’ve had recourse countless times over the years. The prayer formula goes like this: 

“I forgive ________ (name of person), for _______ (what the person did), in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” Then, take a deep breath and listen. 

I repeat this as often as necessary, which is pretty often. 

Reconciliation

Jesus asks us to forgive. This is a non-negotiable in the Christian life. He goes further, however, and calls for the restoration of the relationship whenever possible. Jesus says, “If you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Mt 5:23–24). Forgiveness opens the opportunity for relationship; reconciliation brings it about. Reconciliation heals relationships. 

Now, in some cases, reconciliation may be impossible (e.g., with the deceased) or imprudent (e.g., in the case of abuse). However, in many cases, especially around the house, it is possible. Not only that, it’s necessary. But, this doesn’t mean it’s easy. In fact, it’s intensely humbling to admit fault or to correct someone else’s fault. And, as we know, most issues involve both parties, so both people need to humble themselves to be reconciled. And, in our digitized and distracted culture, most conflict gets brushed under the rug and people pick up their phones for a good doomscroll. In family life (and life in general), when we don’t confront conflict and seek resolution and reconciliation, resentment sets in quickly. Walls go up and persons suffer — no matter what the age.

So, how can family members be reconciled with another? 

Here, we turn to the NET method. Their process is so straightforward. If I perceive that I have wronged a person, I can simply take ownership of my fault and responsibility for reconciling by saying something like the following: “I _______ (whatever I did), and it was wrong, will you forgive me.” 

Let’s examine these words for a moment. Notice the admission of fault renames the offense – it puts flesh back on the sin. I have to state, clearly, what I did. And, not only that, I must admit that it was wrong. I think this is the key. It’s not just saying “sorry” as in “excuse me.” This formula requires a clear statement of the offense and an admission that it was morally wrong. Then, and only then, do I ask for forgiveness. This process provokes the freedom of the injured party. Only that person can freely say “I forgive you.” From here, we can continue our path of reconciliation by talking through how we will approach similar situations in the future so as to not damage the relationship again. This works in all directions in the home: kids reconciling with each other, kids reconciling with parents, parents reconciling with each other, and even parents reconciling with kids.

The Importance of Forgiveness in the Home

Getting forgiveness and reconciliation right in the home is a huge deal. Pope Francis reiterated this point in a 2015 message to families:

In many cultures today, these [family spaces that build community] are shrinking, these experiences of family are disappearing, and everything is slowly breaking up, growing apart. We have fewer moments in common, to stay together, to stay at home as a family. As a result, we don’t know how to be patient, we don’t know how to ask permission, we don’t know how to beg forgiveness, we don’t know how to say “thank you”, because our homes are growing empty.

In other words, for Catholic parents, working on forgiveness with their kids is crucial for the culture of our homes and for culture in general.

Noted above, the Our Father prayer reminds us of the importance of forgiving one another, lest our ability to receive God’s forgiveness be hampered. Jesus raises a high bar, telling us that we must “be merciful, even as your Father is merciful” (Lk. 6:36) and that we must forgive from the depths of our hearts in limitless fashion (cf. Mt. 18:23-35). The Christian family, home life, communal life, is the fundamental place where one learns how to ask for forgiveness and how to grant it. As the Catechism reminds us, “The home is the first school of the Christian life and ‘a school for human enrichment.’ Here one learns endurance and the joy of work, fraternal love, generous – even repeated – forgiveness” (1657).

We introduced the reconciliation process from NET a few years ago. My wife and I practice it in our marriage and model it for our children. Most of the time, with regard to the kids, we still have to help them get started. It is neat, however, when we overhear them reconciling on their own. It’s a sign that while sin still abounds in our home, God’s grace operative in forgiveness abounds still more.